On changes

My despair for a new life is peaking right this very moment and I wish to leave the current work as soon as I find a new one. I am genuinely hard-pressed for words to describe the work environment now because I'm still trying to figure things out. I remember distinctly how I wanted to get this job so bad a little more than a year ago, how I hoped to find that otherworld feeling of doing something every day and actually make a living off it. Then I started working. Everything changed.

How remarkably ironic life can be.

you

there is nothing that makes me happier now than lying down next to you or having a good laugh over a bottle of wine with you. i love, love you and i never wish to be parted from you from this day on.

random bits

• i skipped work today because migraine hit me again and i thought i needed a full day rest. i can't miss class tonight though, we're gearing up for the finals next week and i need inputs to rev up my ass to study finance. ugh.
• i'm downloading wall-e through utorrent but my internet connection keeps going haywire every 15minutes. something about the network configuration/speed limit that my smart ass brain couldn't figure out.
  
• i really miss the arts. i miss being surrounded by intelligent people who can lift me up from this dreary and boring world. i miss those passionate people who are just so much into appreciating the philosophy of life and not the shallow, material things that pervade in the corporate world. i miss my ateneo teachers and jesuits who had so much influence and effect on me in terms of looking at life at a broader and mature perspective. i don't know how people stay sane while doing corporate work because for me it's just a bit of a struggle. i usually find myself being pulled into one direction for a time only to realize that i need a sort of balance once again.
  
• something is wrong in my life now and for some weird reason, i couldn't pinpoint it or even articulate it to myself. i feel like there's something lacking in my life albeit the stable job and the multiple things i do now. i've been thinking about it long and hard and i think i just need a break from work. work never gets fulfilling no matter how hard i try and make it look like 'good enough for now.' at least i'm still sticking it out and doing the best i can!
  
• edit: finished downloading so i can watch na! hooray! =)
  

why hello september

adulthood is so hard.

decisions, decisions, decisions.

madness

i haven't been doing much introspection lately and i believe i'm losing my sense of stability (yet) again. i've been trudging along for the past few months and i find myself eternally restless, always itching to be somewhere else, doing something else. if you really know me, you'd know how i love to push people away from me when i am down and on my way to self-destruction. i'm sad and i think it's getting worse by the day until i finally settle into something new. i have been (scorched-ly) burned by my current corporate life and know my heart isn't into this anymore.

i'm confused and lonely and unhappy and bottom line is, it's just really all my fault.

first office post!

wuhaw, my first office post indeed! still sabaw and sleepy - if i could have my way i'd stay home and read my books instead. i'm hitting one year here at the bank in about a week from now and oh boy, i wish i could boast of accumulating wealth over the past year of restless (and aimless) toiling but NO - hard earned cash all went to my useless expenses! having learned my lesson, i promise to take good care of my finances from now on. everything should be meticulously calculated and every new purchase should be carefully contemplated on (if it's a necessity or just a whim). i'll make sure that by the end of this year, i'd be able to add more to my savings!
*****

(edit: wow i write like a grade schooler at the office. HAHAH)

self-dejection

i've been wanting to write a novel-ish entry, but work's getting in the way. i just had a tumultuous week - (triple) madness at work, parents going through a midlife crisis, endless soul searching (i know it sounds corny but it's so apt to describe what i am going through now), chasing the ever-elusive allure of the kind of success i want for myself, trying to deem everyday work as meaningful and fulfilling, trying to save up for retirement (ha ha), trying to be happy. this frenzied search for validation of myself is so frustrating i usually end up crying on most nights.

back to square one

i will never ever forget this day - change, change, change.

bring it on, future!

because uncertainty has been the lingering theme of my life for the past three weeks and i'm not entirely sure how long i can take this (i'm guessing my patience could only take me as far as the month ends), and like any other depressing/emo/sawi state i've wallowed into, - life-changing events happened, epiphanies appeared, and false pride (to hide fears/doubts) subsided. not only was i able to do something about my growing almost uncontrollable impatience on my current immobility, i also (i hope!) mustered every grain of courage to face the consequences of my actions in the coming days (or weeks). i realized that beating around the bush is no longer a valid excuse and castigation will be exercised should it resurface again. my rage over pretentious people who in a way betrayed me miraculously vanished and my heart finally went back to its regular beat. much can be said about the past few months and i surmise i will be facing more painful challenges but this one should always remain in my head (apologies for the absurd cryptic-ness) - l.p.m.a.

uncertainty

there are many things that never fail to amaze me in the past 6 years i spent in this city. sometimes i wonder where my feet will take me next.

i'm ready now

"If you're going to try, go all the way. Otherwise don't even start. This could mean losing girlfriends, wives, relatives, jobs. And maybe your mind. It could mean not eating for three or four days. It could mean freezing on a park bench. It could mean jail. It could mean derision. It could mean mockery, isolation. Isolation is the gift. All the others are a test of your endurance. Of how much you really want to do it. And you'll do it, despite rejection in the worst odds. And it will be better than anything else you can imagine. If you're going to try, go all the way. There is no other feeling like that. You will be alone with the gods. And the nights will flame with fire. You will ride life straight to perfect laughter. It's the only good fight there is."

-Charles Bukowski

on friendship

my closest (and almost considered as best friend) is back from states today with loads of amazing and kilig stories. how i felt so relieved and elated when i saw her at work this morning.

*sigh*

i feel whole again.

=)

warning: too much cheese (hold your breath)

i woke up this morning feeling the intense rush of happiness from falling in love. in fact, ever since he became that one added part in my life, everything started falling into place. true, we hit a rough patch but life has been so wonderful and breezy and grounded lately. i know we're going to make this work no matter what.

you and i fit perfectly together. i love you more and more everyday Mark. =)

today

there's a recurring thought in my head that's been running restlessly for a few weeks now only that i couldn't quite grasp what exactly it's trying to tell me. it's like a growing impatience of wanting to retire from the corporate madness I've come to grow tired of after almost 10 months of toiling without a certain resolution in mind. there's something about constant change that continues to haunt me, no matter what time, wherever I am at and whatever I may be doing - a feeling of wanting to move on surges up inside me and for a second, I find myself momentarily paralyze.

on some days like today, I try so hard to understand everything that's happening to me - images with fleeting value constantly play in my head - and figure out what I really am now.

true friends :-)

for our 5 *gasp* years of friendship!

back from the dead

I’ve been meaning to write about the GAZILLION things happening in my life right now but somehow, I always end up brain dead from work. WORK WORK WORK. Who knew I’d become one of those corporate stiff who’ve got nothing in mind but capitalist profit making schemes. Well okay, not really!

So Lenten Season passed by just like that… when I was a kid, my family and I would spend the Holy Week in Naga going to the Church almost thrice a day for 5 days in a row. I, being the stubborn, rebellious middle child, would squirm at the thought of waking up at friggin 3am just to catch the Salubong at dawn of Easter Sunday. But after every Church activity, I would be high on Jesus and I tell you, nothing beats that kind of happiness and fulfillment – not even retail, spa or Starbucks therapy could come close to that fuzzy feeling of spiritual highness. This holy week, however, I never got to that freaky-intense-yet-lovely highness point of being a Catholic, which I kind of regret. I wish I could have been more active in Church gatherings but I was always sleepy and high on something else – not on drugs, mind you. Explaining what I was high on would require a new entry altogether – just because.

WTF, I think this week will be a major challenge as I am on a see-saw of emotional PMS-ing again. Aside from that, I feel so sluggish and unfulfilled lately. I wish I could do more at work – life feels so constricting sometimes. I need some change. I need growth. Why is that so hard to achieve?

After reading that horrifying, scary expose last night, I felt like my happy bubble suddenly popped out. All the positive energy vibe I’ve been clinging on to was taken away, as if a sudden wave of nostalgia has swept over me and I’m on the brink of being at my lowest low again. Oh God forbid.

Last night, I slept beside my mom because she will leave this afternoon for Naga. I felt like a vulnerable 10 year old kid all over again. Of course this was inevitably followed by an overwhelming remorse. Sigh. So much to do set my heart right.

********

i never thought i'd be this mushy and cheesy but whatever, this time i really don't care. my heart feels so heavy rightthisverysecond because we haven't seen each other for a week (gross, i know). i'm just SIGH SIGH SIGH. earlier tonight though, i got a bit a excited because he sent a text message saying he'd come over after his practice. sadly, he still had to fix some things for tomorrow. oh well, i'll see him tomorrow night anyway. i'll just bury my head in a book and engross myself in another world.

sama si M! :)

love you girls! it's only now that i got to check my blog. hehehe.

when are you girls free? L and M, have you guys started working already?

who's free this weekend?

ayos noh, ginawang message board ang blog. hahahah.

hugs to everyone!!! :)

oh, my poor fragile heart!

i promise to take good care of you this year. i'm letting you rest and recuperate for a while. who needs anyone, anyway.

on a cheerful note, last night was fucking fun, E and A! let's do that again and bring S and L! love you guys :)