solace

the weather is cold again. i don't know if i like this changing weather, which marks the start of the coming holiday season that would surely bring back some unwanted memories. sometimes i seem to live and think in contradictory thoughts. one day i say i miss being in a relationship but a few days after, i think about how futile it is to crave for intimacy, that i am better off alone - not committed to anyone in particular. apparently, life still never fails to amaze me. i could never have imagined that you could blink one day and all of the things you got used to seeing every day would just be gone. but that's just what happened. i woke up one day and noticed how things were starting to feel different until time came that i felt like fuck it, this just got to end.

i've been doing some thinking recently and i started to get the feeling that i ought to write a little more. so here i am in my desk, creeping around in the middle of the night like a cockroach, trying to to do some sensible (i hope!) writing. i'm back home, oh-so-enjoying the very chill atmosphere of a long weekend - no traffic, no dramedy called Work, no e-mails, no clients berating about their wealth and no waking at 6am (oh geezus, thank you for that). i've had 2 good days already, which were comprised mostly of sleeping, eating, wondering, wandering, some good ole laughing and mingling (never fails!). i am beyond thankful to have this short break because it reminds me of the many people i care about. time has flown fucking fast and things may have screwed up at the start but i am trying to function as best as i can. i do need some solitary times to do some straightening out with myself.

lately, i sometimes feel like i have turned into a perpetually emo-sawi person, faking each laughter and hyper moment i spend with friends (okay, not really. heheh). i've also been getting really, really tired that i get a bit partied out after just one dance-bar night-out. when things get really bad, i'd spend the whole working day wrapped up in a cloud of delusion. sometimes it gets in the way of work that my colleagues often give me strange looks. ha ha sorry folks, i just can't help it, i don't do it on purpose. but i am generally fine - had a dearth of things to say that i couldn't choose which bits to write about here -hence the dormant blog for a month. in between last month's fuckingevent and its corresponding aftermath, i am able to drown myself from work as usual. it's just difficult to make my mind tick again when i'm out and about with crazy people and my mind is nothing but going bonkers on weng weng. other than that, i could still read and write (thank god).

i see there was no attempt to be sensible at all. ha ha.

***********
E! please, please let's travel this year. just on a whim like for a long weekend. i'll try to get a bargain trip for us. advance happy birthday, darling! :-)

hi L (hugs!) and Melibags! (sure, sama ka sa inuman. i miss you, hugs back!)

have tons of kwento, can't wait to see you all soon!

oh love, love, love

i'm not quite sure how to react to this poem. somehow it feels so overwhelming and a bit defensive. but i like how it's so practical and real against other mostly hopeless love-inspired poetry.

If You Forget Me by Pablo Neruda
I want you to know
one thing.

You know how this is:
if I look
at the crystal moon, at the red branch
of the slow autumn at my window,
if I touch
near the fire
the impalpable ash
or the wrinkled body of the log,
everything carries me to you,
as if everything that exists,
aromas, light, metals,
were little boats
that sail
toward those isles of yours that wait for me.

Well, now,
if little by little you stop loving me
I shall stop loving you little by little.

If suddenly
you forget me
do not look for me,
for I shall already have forgotten you.

If you think it long and mad,
the wind of banners
that passes through my life,
and you decide
to leave me at the shore
of the heart where I have roots,
remember
that on that day,
at that hour,
I shall lift my arms
and my roots will set off
to seek another land.

But
if each day,
each hour,
you feel that you are destined for me
with implacable sweetness,
if each day a flower
climbs up to your lips to seek me,
ah my love, ah my own,
in me all that fire is repeated,
in me nothing is extinguished or forgotten,
my love feeds on your love, beloved,
and as long as you live it will be in your arms
without leaving mine.

after a year...

i miss you.

still.

good riddance!

i have never been this better and happy and fulfilled in such a long, long time! friends, feel free to give me call if you guys feel the need of going for a round of drinks. watchasay? YES? of course!!!!!!!!!


i love surprises! what a way to start the new month. woot! :)

highness and over-abundance of energy

i just got back from my very short weekend vacay at where else but hometown Naga. sure nothing beats home but overindulgence is still overindulgence no matter how many times i try to justify the lechones and endless slothing i have done for the past 2 days. argh! enough is enough! today i am confronted by piles and piles of work to be finished not to mention exams i need to take seriously. boy payback time scares the hell out of me. anyway, just to showcase the latest brouhaha in my life, i'm posting a picture of my favorite and cutest nephew in the world. i know my other nephews are equally cute but personality-wise, gabe is the winner!

don't grow up, please? (see pictures at my multiply)


i digress. have you seen the VMA's? my god can someone explain to me what happened to Sarah Silverman? talk about career-crisis, girl! don't even get me started on britney what spears.

all in all, fun weekend! good food + good company = good life! Yay! all i need is a good massage and a hearty meal. I'm ready to take off! :)

the sixth man

i'm having such a blast this week. you guys want to know why? because my moods are undoubtedly on full violent swing right at this moment and i am about to go insane (damn it). one moment i'm jubilant then the next thing i know i'm bawling my eyes out in front of my dear pigs (my brother and sister). perhaps it's better to curse *ehem* the estrogen? oh and didn't dr. yang curse that when she was going through some break-up? that wouldn't matter in my case. everything just feels so unsettling. endorphins, endorphins, thou art needed!

God blesses those who are good. Ateneans, you have been good! And I am just so damn proud to be one. What a game, man! I heart you, team. :)

chasing a dream with a clam

• i finally understood why corporate people get so prissy on most days of their lives. they drown themselves with a bucket of booze almost every weekend and have almost nothing to talk about except crap - crappy topics and inside jokes that perpetually end up with sex. so folks, when confronted by this inevitable circumstance, remember that those people are just plain work horses and are just making even the most godforsaken, ridiculous stories their escape route towards a more peaceful, relaxed weekend. (which is not exactly an advantage for people like me who have a semi low tolerance for these kinds.)
  
• swimmin', wimmin', chillin', sleepin' are my plans for this quick weekend! oh well.
  
• tell me please, please. why oh why do i even bother? i seriously need a dermatologist for a long, overdue rejuvenation.
  
• indeed, life has a funny way of sneaking up on you. just when you thought you're done with your past mistakes, someone trots along and slaps you the cold, hard truth on your face...and you find yourself smack-dab in the dubious, way, way confused state of mind again (even the most annoying ones find out). clinical is beyond understatement for me...
  
• to be cont...
  

why the city smells funny again

i am just, like, so unnervingly excited and hyper and exhilarated from last week's all too good experiences that writing them all down with a certain accuracy and substance is quite impossible right now. anyway, rotten brain what?

der bloger,

sor y if i haf not updtd for almsot a we ek
jus wana le t you kno how gratefllll i m for evythn i haf nw
---i kno wt my ups n dwns might haf upet yoooouuuu and bec
o f that i m sssssssssss-lesssssss now nd havng a hrd t i me zzzzzzzzzzz
moreover, i m a bit shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiittt-lessssss now so i m fucked with looooooov
ohhhh wazzut agan?

i jus want ...


kthx.

false first impressions, assured mutual destruction and dr. laughter

so i feel like it has been ages since i have chronicled my not so secret daydreams here. oh you guys won't guess what an enormous heap of shit i was buried under this week. work is challenging but every day seems like a new day for me - discoveries and revelations surprisingly abound, in a good way, thankfully. and so my travail of my favorite mistake has begun again. god knows what's going to happen but hopefully, everything will be settled down sooner than later. laughter is still the best medicine. add a sprinkle of uncomplicated, comical people and life gets better and better every damn day.

thank you, Lord :)
and family
cherished friends
new friends at work
and more loved ones
for keeping me grounded
and sane when
things get rough
and i get a tad
more irritating
than usual.
i embrace your
patience and
friendships with
a grateful heart.

=)

HILARIOUS, indeed.

sometimes a healthy dose of humor is enough to lift you out of life's inescapable state of doldrums.

Man's Penis To Write Memoir About Inability To Not Orgasm

We just got word that My Cock is is shopping a book proposal, and that the proposed title of the proposed book is Here I Come Again. It's "a memoir by a phallus who has always had an orgasm." The project is a handbook-cum-memoir, and is said to detail Cock's incessant ability to ejaculate. There's some graphic material here (a chapter entitled "Hawaii Five-O" details a shocking five-orgasm afternoon spent in the restroom of New York restaurant Hawaiian Tropic Zone) as well as some embarrassing revelations ("30 Seconds To Mars: The Early Years"). We reached My Cock for comment. "Dude," he wrote, "I'm a cock. I come all the time! In fact, I'm coming right now! I didn't know there was anything remarkable about it until yesterday, but, hell, if that's what the market wants, that's what they're gonna get. We want to get this out quickly, for the holiday season. Of course, the title is provisional: If anyone has a better idea, let me know."

by.newyorkpost.com

a new beginning

That's my blue sky.

*credits to Polaroide LJ*

i carry your heart

i carry your heart with me (i carry it in
my heart) i am never without it (anywhere
i go you go,my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)

i fear no fate (for you are my fate,my sweet) i want
no world (for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart (i carry it in my heart)

e.e. cummings

no more lazy weekdays (ed.)

• or any other day of the week, it seems. bum days are winding down and i am afraid late nights included as well. oh well, if it pays the bills, go ahead then, slave me away. no double entendre intended, folks. i am currently embracing the good girl inside me.
  
• whatever happened to lindsay lohan? poor girl. she looks so wretched, tacky and drugged. and what is it with media being so youth obsessed nowadays? don't people realize that she looks like a 58 year old woman on her way to self-destruction? and please, don't ever tell me that she's hot. and it's the sex. or a guy thing. spare the younger generation from sleazy starlets. but as what she always says, "whateverrrr." wow, i'm so touched. *tear*
  
• this is so pretentious of me to mention this because i admit i don't listen to classical music as often as the mozart, chopin, etc. fans do, but i am currently listening to Beethoven's symphony no. 6 in f op. 68 pastoral. i must say the music relieves me. it gives me an energetic "ting" i need today for this afternoon's meeting. brain music, this is.
  
• i want the sun. show up now, come on!
• i sometimes found myself laughing so hard i cried. laughing and crying, you know, it's the same release.

(ed. pardon the typo and all the other typos and will be typos in this blog! i am always a bit emotional or hyper when i write here.)

wake me up

sometimes stories know me too well. i don't think i can name all the books or short stories i have read that spoke to me simply because there are just too many of them and only a few ones hit the right spot. this story, however, is bullseye right now. just ONE tweaking: make it a heterosexual relationship for Pete's sake. but everything else - from the too good to be true, all -consuming, intense, obsessive friendship to the most painful awakening are just so... beautifully apt. oh i never thought i would compromise.

let's unite tonight, please.

p.s. pardon the cheesiness of my recent posts.

unsaid

no matter how busy i am (or i want to be), every now and then, i would feel a violent stab of loneliness. even worse, i would feel the roots of this loneliness creeping through me when the world is hush at midnight. there's just no escaping the fact that i do almost everything alone now.

think of all the reasons in the world but today, i just miss.

lessons from you

• in life, we always search for answers because we want to prove to ourselves that we had the right decisions...but the truth is we can't search for what's not there. things happen because it's meant to happen...that's why we forgive people even if they hurt us, we love people who don't love us, we smile despite every painful crash in our hearts. at the end of the day, the lesson you get are the answers to your decisions.

• everything in life is temporary...because everything changes. that's why it takes great courage to love someone...knowing it might end anytime.

• pretending you don't feel anything for someone is like convincing yourself that you could probably deny the only thing you can be sure of.

my new visual DNA (why hello dear august!)

Read my VisualDNA™ Get your own VisualDNA™

behind the tiny chef (a very feeble attempt to write a decent review)

Ratatouille quite reawakened the sleeping artist in me. Not that I now long to become a culinary genius in the near future, but the sensibility of the film that celebrates good taste and aesthetic accomplishment (which can be a tad elitist) bring to the fore ideals that popular culture needs to imbibe more these days: a distaste for laziness and mediocrity, and a high regard for passion and the pursuit of excellence (yehesss, MAGIS.) I love the film no matter how icky the sight of the swarming rodents can get - as what the director said, "interspecies understanding may have its limits" - because it made me feel better about myself though i am not that of a genius as Remy, ha ha; at least, I know what I am really passionate of (or so I think). All in all, ratatouille is a remarkable film that offers a kind of moving, sophisticated pleasure from the astonishing characters to the dishes made with such ardor and inspiration. Pixar magic has worked yet again...

happy-emo-song

i want to feel Meg Ryan-ish in the movie "You've Got Mail" when she's falling in love with F-O-X already. ha ha, what a feel-good movie that is. she strolls along happily in the streets of Manhattan (or was that Brooklyn?) on her way home while this song plays in the background:

and now i tell you openly, you have my heart so don't hurt me. You're what I couldn't find. A totally amazing mind, so understanding and so kind; You're everything to me. Oh my life, Is changing every day. In every possible way. And oh, my dreams, It's never quite as it seems, 'Cause you're a dream to me. Dream to me.

hmmm, gives me warm fuzzies inside.

tomorrow will get better

i have been meaning to inject a considerable amount of text in this blog because i feel gloomy if i do not update oftener (as if i am betraying readers or disappointing fans, ha ha. NOT!). so aside from Thursday's highness due to the much hyped ateneo-la salle game (see previous post), my days have been pretty civilized. as much as i want to laze around the house all day for the rest of my life, having a job is still so much chicer. good thing, i hear the sounds of a windfall this coming week and boy have i never been so psyched about going back to work. have been so preoccupied with the negotiations and i would like to see this as a step in a good direction for my career. as for the other meaningless aspects of my life, there is not much to say save for a few yo-yo emotions that i have kept harping on and on since god knows when that i am completely sick of it already except that IT still remains deep within me. i also managed to exorcise some demons regarding some personal issues with a few creatures that i could not help but be happier and .sigh. saner. the cause of everything, though, i have failed still. not always a breakthrough but you know, it's always quite something. this is becoming more cryptic than i have intended it to be. forgive me for yammering on and on again. i see it's 2 am so that explains. good night!

admu-dlsu game, 80-77

There is nothing better than this feeling in this exact place and time in the world. I love my school.

EDIT: the most decent photo we have (ha ha); second one from fabilioh.com.

barf day. seriously.

i had an entertaining almost riotous lunch with E and L today at g4. i missed you guys. these are my official bitches. and i thought i am such a meanie already... wait until you meet these fellas, i am THIS close to being canonized as a saint. ha ha. hilarious quotable quotes are with evi's. seriously, where is S? you missed out on a lot of fun.

where do i go now

in my currently unemployed state, i wake up wondering what little, twaddle project i can amuse myself with. everyday is a Saturday, so my dear brother/mentor/Professor says. i have copious amounts of Time and The Economist again (thanks to daddy for the unwavering support via subscriptions of all kinds including Teen Vogue, Glamour and Elle - none of which he finds remotely interesting save from the bikini-clad models he sees from time to time. teehee.). so i find myself keeping abreast with the more significant international news (a breather from the exasperating national politics) and the capital/finance market recently. i don't know why, but i continue to find the finance world increasingly fascinating since my short bank stint albeit i am just a mere mortal from the social sciences. maybe i am really leaning towards some bank career? oh God forbid. i have stocked up on quite a few books, too and i must say, magazines and books are now my official greatest extravagance that my room is close to resembling a cramped salon already.

hmmm, it's been an exhausting week for me (yes i know, it's only Tuesday) and with August here again i can't believe that July is coming to an end in just a week from now! things are moving at such a breakneck pace and i have been so consumed with the desire to do well in my career and have a fat bank account, which i know won't be able to give me everything anyway; it's just the immature longing inside of me wanting to prove myself to everyone. sigh. i seriously need to stop this self-destructive habit. speaking of career, i don't know what to do with my life anymore. i'm getting more and more confused everyday. offers are popping out left and right and i know i should be grateful for these but i have never felt so purposeless in my entire life. you can say i am in limbo, maybe i am i have no clue, but i feel so incredibly restless and stressed lately (oh yeah, what's new, right). i just want to think or meditate about where i really want my life to head to; otherwise, i will be forever stuck in a serious case of brain clutter.

i am not making sense, am i? this is just a poor excuse to write. or maybe my mind is actually aimlessly wandering somewhere trying to find its niche. oh, come back, idiotic mind. save me.

Pop Sociology

"Why do so many young people today have an inflated sense of entitlement? And who's to blame? The list of suspects is long and includes the State of California, Burger King, FedEx, MTV, parents, especially parents."

I say blame the life of shallow consumerism, brand worship, media hype on the "young hollywood" (ew, i hate that term), rehab people and too much sense of individuality bullcrap. Pop culture, if taken more seriously (which is what people should be doing, not just unquestionably imitating what they see on the tube most of the time), is actually quite a fantastic intellectual play. Whatever that is. Ha ha.

sitting still (or so i think)

things have been... strange for the past few days. nobody knows but myself (not even the other one involved) that i have been trying really hard to make the situation look (and feel) nonchalantly usual but deep down, i am constantly grappling with hard facts - something that i could hold on to in the most concrete way, if possible. i am always at lost. this is your fault.

on a happier note, i have never been so in control of my actions and words. guess with maturity comes this intense self-control that is incredibly satisfying after a series of unexpected events (ha ha). no matter how many times i deny/elude this kind of taking chances bullshit crap, i find myself being utterly sucked in and defined by it. in the meantime, i am sitting quite peacefully, drinking a cup of rosemary tea.

fashionable simpsons

Harper's Bazaar has released its August issue with something deftly funny and unbelievably cool illustrations of the Simpsons dressed in various designers. Here are two pictures of Marge Simpson with some high profile fashion designers at the Paris Fashion Week for Fall held recently. Well, what can i say, high fashion for the Simpsons, indeed. Can't wait to get hold of a copy of this issue - a clever fashion spread, finally! You win me over again, Simpsons. Good move, PR people!

oh there you go again, silly thing.

silly love. silly me. silly world.

smack me on the head now. several times, please.

it's talagang silly.


p.s. everyone, it's Friday the 13th. anyone up for games? silly games, of course. =)

midnight attacks

i have no clue why i am brimming with ideas at exactly when the clock hits 12. really, it's annoying. i am trying to follow a strict bed time and has recently imposed a curfew on my rather stubborn self to sleep before 1. go ahead, laugh your head off. i am no 10 year old but once you start working your ass off at some firm with some 'nice' colleagues where there's a shitload of internal politics to deal with almost everyday, you want to be alive every nanosecond you step inside the coffin, i mean, the office. but anyway, my point is, i always get this rush of senses, if you know what i mean, that comes inevitably with an almost violent wave of wanting to write something. you know those days when you crave for that single line that would spur you to write something substantial but nothing, nothing comes? that moment when you desperately want to write but when you finally get down on it - something entirely unrelated annoyingly comes out? midnight is exactly the opposite of that but why? why at midnight? why?

whatever. curfew is in 15mins. i am better off in bed, sleeping off these thoughts. oh, good night, silly world!

school spirit

when is the first ateneo-la salle game? i know i am kind of jinx but fuck it, i am still watching!

wimbledon love

i was able to follow wimbledon matches religiously this year (for lack of better things to do - when you're sick and unable to read for 4 straights days). i'm elated roger federer won. rafa had his french open moment already and he's a bit repulsive to be honest. ha ha. tennis is love. who's game to play?

this is what happens when there are too many hot musicians on tv

justin timberlake, adam levine and chris carraba are so goddamn hot. okay i'm taking all my clothes off now. ha ha. kidding you guys. or not. whatever.

make me smile

• E just got back from LA and boy did she change! she's not only gushing about boys, boys, boys and shoes, shoes, shoes (which 3 years ago would have been extremely alarming) but she also brought some amusing fan girl stories: of she and her companions chatting up george clooney, brad pitt and matt damon on the red carpet during the ocean's 13 premiere, of her dreadful experience at some bar where lc and other the hills stars frequent to, of her funny (i'm sorry, dear) desertion (if you can call it that) in the states for almost a month complete with e's signature panicky stories of meeting random people in transit. (ah, the queen crammer. ha ha.)
• really, really looking forward to having lunch with you guys. s, e and i have some major travel plans to take care of. can you say shopping? absolutely not. we are going to be the total cheap people real soon. and i hope that (semi) unconsumerist lifestyle (i hope!) will yield to some fat bank accounts in the future. oh, jimmy choos! why not. ha ha.
  
• my health has been... stormy these past few days and looks like the weather is following suit (ha ha how pathetic is that). to add to the horrendousness of being perpetually sick, which means zero, zilch, nada social life, and for the hermit part of me, that's a reason to celebrate with zadie smith, haruki murakami and sarah elizabeth philips (ha ha) but geezus NO - my god, i can't even finish a page without getting all teary-eyed. worse, every time i close my eyes, i see all these psychedelic dots doing a weird hypnotic dance. oh fever, you have already ruined my social life and i forgive you for that, but please, don't even try to mess up my career life, okay? stop being excessively stubborn and go away!
• i had a 'date' with P last weekend and the other P was supposed to follow after his work but he said he's too tired to drive to where we were and that he will just treat me some other time. anyway, P had a lot of interesting and intriguing stories (mostly about his sexcapades). our initial plan was to watch transformers but heck gossipping and eating and drinking and laughing got in the way so priorities were tossed aside for a while (that movie, btw, kicked ass). P and i have this weird kind of friendship. most people think he's my boyfriend every time we run into some acquaintances while we're happily strolling along in a mall or in some night out place, but honestly, doesn't his aura/demeanor scream i am so fucking gay and i need a dashing bastard to play with for one evening right now? seriously. someone needs to put an end to all these ridiculous stories about me. (ha ha, feeling) we bowled and played billiards (which i super sucked at, i tell you, i was way better in high school). then i saw this guy who handed me his number and tried making a conversation with me while i was innocently studying at the filipiniana section library last year (used to be my study spot!). so we said hi to each other and then he goes, so you're with your new boyfriend, i suppose? WHAT. okay so i introduced him to P and they started getting all friendly right away! turns out, they are batch mates. hmmm interesting.
  
• time is moving so fast and it makes me so uneasy in so many ways. i have a lot of things in my mind and i can't seem to accomplish any of them without getting too distraught about the time constraints. paranoia is killing me and this sickness makes it all the more upsetting.
  
• my head is spinning again and i need to lie down...have so much more to say but oh well. happy weekend, everyone!

my own version

dear you,
this used to be a love letter, before its hunches thickened, its breath grew short, before it found itself sitting, perplexed, and a little embarrassed, inside a parked black car, while everyone was busy cramming for their next exams. it remembers itself dressing as if for a great engagement, choosing the most beautiful shoes, red or black. once, it drank beer for breakfast, rested its feet on a bunk bed side by side with the feet of another. once, it felt sadness, then eventually grew brokenness, dropping the head so the hair would fall forward, so the weeping eyes could not be seen. it was lovely then, this letter. what it knew in the morning, it still believed at night. yet the longing has not diminished. still, it understands. however, if disquieted by the pure and unfamiliar silence of new life; yes, it decides.

sick afternoon

so life has been odd for the past few months. i feel like everything is moving so fast and i am suddenly confronted by all the stress that comes with (ew) adulthood -- decisions, decisions. i can't believe that in just a matter of 3 days i have decided to go with what my heart has been telling me to do since graduation: pack my bags and leave. i don't know why but i feel that i am finally making the right decision now. and i am ever glad that my parents are always willing to support their wiggly child no matter how indecisive she gets on most days. i wish i have thought about this right after my so called hiatus but everything seemed to be fine back then to be honest. but on some days like today, i feel like my life is moving so slow and i will never be able to keep up with everyone.

indecisions. indecisions. how do we make them stop?