solace

the weather is cold again. i don't know if i like this changing weather, which marks the start of the coming holiday season that would surely bring back some unwanted memories. sometimes i seem to live and think in contradictory thoughts. one day i say i miss being in a relationship but a few days after, i think about how futile it is to crave for intimacy, that i am better off alone - not committed to anyone in particular. apparently, life still never fails to amaze me. i could never have imagined that you could blink one day and all of the things you got used to seeing every day would just be gone. but that's just what happened. i woke up one day and noticed how things were starting to feel different until time came that i felt like fuck it, this just got to end.

i've been doing some thinking recently and i started to get the feeling that i ought to write a little more. so here i am in my desk, creeping around in the middle of the night like a cockroach, trying to to do some sensible (i hope!) writing. i'm back home, oh-so-enjoying the very chill atmosphere of a long weekend - no traffic, no dramedy called Work, no e-mails, no clients berating about their wealth and no waking at 6am (oh geezus, thank you for that). i've had 2 good days already, which were comprised mostly of sleeping, eating, wondering, wandering, some good ole laughing and mingling (never fails!). i am beyond thankful to have this short break because it reminds me of the many people i care about. time has flown fucking fast and things may have screwed up at the start but i am trying to function as best as i can. i do need some solitary times to do some straightening out with myself.

lately, i sometimes feel like i have turned into a perpetually emo-sawi person, faking each laughter and hyper moment i spend with friends (okay, not really. heheh). i've also been getting really, really tired that i get a bit partied out after just one dance-bar night-out. when things get really bad, i'd spend the whole working day wrapped up in a cloud of delusion. sometimes it gets in the way of work that my colleagues often give me strange looks. ha ha sorry folks, i just can't help it, i don't do it on purpose. but i am generally fine - had a dearth of things to say that i couldn't choose which bits to write about here -hence the dormant blog for a month. in between last month's fuckingevent and its corresponding aftermath, i am able to drown myself from work as usual. it's just difficult to make my mind tick again when i'm out and about with crazy people and my mind is nothing but going bonkers on weng weng. other than that, i could still read and write (thank god).

i see there was no attempt to be sensible at all. ha ha.

***********
E! please, please let's travel this year. just on a whim like for a long weekend. i'll try to get a bargain trip for us. advance happy birthday, darling! :-)

hi L (hugs!) and Melibags! (sure, sama ka sa inuman. i miss you, hugs back!)

have tons of kwento, can't wait to see you all soon!

where do i go now

in my currently unemployed state, i wake up wondering what little, twaddle project i can amuse myself with. everyday is a Saturday, so my dear brother/mentor/Professor says. i have copious amounts of Time and The Economist again (thanks to daddy for the unwavering support via subscriptions of all kinds including Teen Vogue, Glamour and Elle - none of which he finds remotely interesting save from the bikini-clad models he sees from time to time. teehee.). so i find myself keeping abreast with the more significant international news (a breather from the exasperating national politics) and the capital/finance market recently. i don't know why, but i continue to find the finance world increasingly fascinating since my short bank stint albeit i am just a mere mortal from the social sciences. maybe i am really leaning towards some bank career? oh God forbid. i have stocked up on quite a few books, too and i must say, magazines and books are now my official greatest extravagance that my room is close to resembling a cramped salon already.

hmmm, it's been an exhausting week for me (yes i know, it's only Tuesday) and with August here again i can't believe that July is coming to an end in just a week from now! things are moving at such a breakneck pace and i have been so consumed with the desire to do well in my career and have a fat bank account, which i know won't be able to give me everything anyway; it's just the immature longing inside of me wanting to prove myself to everyone. sigh. i seriously need to stop this self-destructive habit. speaking of career, i don't know what to do with my life anymore. i'm getting more and more confused everyday. offers are popping out left and right and i know i should be grateful for these but i have never felt so purposeless in my entire life. you can say i am in limbo, maybe i am i have no clue, but i feel so incredibly restless and stressed lately (oh yeah, what's new, right). i just want to think or meditate about where i really want my life to head to; otherwise, i will be forever stuck in a serious case of brain clutter.

i am not making sense, am i? this is just a poor excuse to write. or maybe my mind is actually aimlessly wandering somewhere trying to find its niche. oh, come back, idiotic mind. save me.